What your drink says about you

This drink says: "I'm snobbier than thou"

I just caught a sneak preview of 500 days of Summer. Has there ever been a movie more about the twenty-something love life? No. Which is why it was both a bit painful and predictable, as well as very entertaining. Check it out if you want to see your life lived out on the silver screen by people slightly better looking and wittier than you.

Anyway, onto the topic du jour: do you ever wonder what a bartender thinks about you when you order? Here's a list of what a bartender (or a bartender like me) might think as you ask for your drink.

• PBR: You're a cost-conscious hipster
• Natty Bo: You're a cost-conscious Baltimore hipster
• Miller Lite: You are between the ages of 21-31
• Coors Light: You want to hydrate and probably do not like real beer
• Bourbon on the rocks: You are tough and also probably psychologically damaged
• Hennessey: You are probably African American
• ______ and pineapple: You are female and don't like the taste of alcohol
• Grey Goose and tonic: You think you're slightly higher class than you are. Blind taste tests have shown that when mixed with tonic or fruit juice, the difference between Grey Goose and most other decent vodkas is imperceptible.
• Vodka soda: You're watching your weight.
• Jack and Coke: You have no imagination, but you like to get drunk.
• Cosmopolitan: You are female and wearing a dress and/or are high maintenance.
• Long Island Iced Tea: You are here to party
• A chocolate martini: You don't have diabetes. Yet.
• Blue Moon: You are a female who likes beer but at the same time you probably don't know enough to know that you'd also like other Belgian white beers or hefeweizens.
• The brand name switch: If you order one brand name (say Heineken) and the bar doesn't have it, and you immediately order another brand name from a different category altogether (say Captain Morgan), you are judged as an idiot. Nobody would ever compare those two alcohols. If you thought with your brain, rather than your marketing-conditioned brain-stem, you'd agree.