Psychics: The poor man's therapists

Did our reporter draw the Death card? Read on to find out. (Credit: Photo by Amanda Krotki, Tarot cards by Art Nouveau Tarot, Matt Myers)

I have good news: Contrary to all indications, the world is not coming to an end. How do I know? A psychic told me. Well, she didn't tell me in those exact terms, but she did tell me I would live a very long life. I'm assuming this long life will be spent on Earth, so unless I'm sucked into a beam of light and whisked off to Alpha Centauri, we're all good to go. But I've jumped ahead. Let me start from the beginning.

Every time I go out drinking I inevitably cross paths with a fortune teller. Around midnight, I'll be strolling along (after consuming one or eight beers), when suddenly I get the weird feeling someone is staring at me. I'll look up to find a middle-aged woman wearing too much make-up, a do-rag and a large shapeless dress that looks like old curtains. She'll beckon toward her little den of crystals. Oddly, I never see these places when I'm sober (which I promise is at least 60 percent of my waking life…OK 50). Anyway, my working theory is that these fortune tellers have used hypnotic suggestion to convince me to visit a psychic. And it worked.

After doing some research, I decided to visit Ann Reads Psychic Center near Canton Square. I figured if my described future was too depressing, I could just head straight to Canton's bars for a bender. I knocked on the door, and waited a minute or two for Ann to open up. She was not what I expected—no head scarf, no beads and no dramatic eye make-up. She looked…normal.

She explained that a general reading costs $50 and more detailed readings cost $75, $100, etc. I stared at her blankly for about 10 seconds. I hadn't thought this would cost more than $10 or $20. I should have become a palm reader instead of a starving writer. I explained that I only had $25, and, to her credit, she agreed to give me a super basic reading.

She explained my options: She could just look at me and read my mind/aura, or we could use Tarot cards. I chose the cards. She spread the deck on a table, and had me pick five cards which she then arranged into a diamond pattern.

The first thing she said is that I'm going to live a long, long life. Yeehaaa! I'm thinking of taking up smoking now—why not, what's the harm? And, I'm taking my drinking to a whole new level—Red Bull and vodka I.V. drip here I come! Then she said I'm a good person with a really big heart; I'm sensitive and like to help people, but I sometimes feel other people don't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Damn straight! I'm glad someone said out loud what's been on my mind for years! It's always give, give, give with me. Did you hear that Mom and Dad? Christmas is coming—maybe it's time you did right by me.

The cards also indicated that, while I've had a positive year overall, I've sort of stalled recently and I'm spinning my wheels. That's actually accurate. The good news is, I'm supposed to have a real breakthrough in my professional life. I'm thinking Graydon Carter's going to call and ask me to cover the Iraq war for Vanity Fair. I've braved the streets of Baltimore; Baghdad should be a piece of cake.

She told me various other things; some accurate, some not. For instance, she said that I, along with my significant other, will adopt a child. Well, unless said child will be an indentured servant in our house—and God knows it would be nice to have someone clean the cats' litter trays everyday—that ain't happening. Don't get me wrong—I like children…other people's children…for short periods of time…from a distance of 50 meters or more. She also saw me going on a trip in the near future, somewhere warm and exotic. I actually was planning a trip to North Africa this Christmas, but that's on hold indefinitely…you know, with the world economy collapsing and all.

I'd say her accuracy was about 50/50, which isn't bad considering I was a complete stranger. I don't know if she's psychic or not, but I will say this; I did not feel like I was being scammed. Even if she was just using basic human psychology to tell me what I already know about myself, it was pleasant. We spent a good half hour discussing my life, and she seemed genuinely interested and didn't rush me out once she had read the cards. In short, it was kind of like seeing a psychologist, but cheaper. Now that I think of it, fortune tellers and psychologists aren't that different; what they're really doing is helping you understand where you are right now; and if you understand the present, the future becomes much easier to predict.

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