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Dive into dive bars

Aim low, avoid disappointment

By Dan Piepenbring

Special to Metromix
January 10, 2008

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(Credit: Kelly Christ)

Much like Barbie Dolls and select portions of Nathaniel Hawthorne's canonical writings, the dive bar is ingrained in the American psyche. But Barbies and Hawthorne don't get you tanked for dirt cheap—dive bars do. Let's face it: Baltimore ain't the city for glitz and glamour. We specialize in filth, debauchery, licentiousness, prurience and depravity, to name a few of our best traits. If you seek the grisly, the authentic and the astoundingly inexpensive, take a running start into Charm City's deepest dives. Can-non-baaaall!

Captain Larry's

601 E. Fort Ave. - Baltimore

410-727-4799

It's a bit more touristy than it once was, but don't let that deter you--the pirate theme prevails. Sing "What Should We Do With the Drunken Sailor" at the top of your lungs and order a couple of crab cakes to go with your beer. At Captain Larry's, every day is Talk Like a Pirate Day. Swashbuckler though he may be, Larry is benevolent, deep-down--check out his weekly specials.

Frazier's on the Avenue

919 W. 36th St. - Baltimore

410-662-4914

It's so close to Zissimo's (see below), but there's not much overlap in the clientele. Frazier's has become a hipster hang-zone, so get a strange part of your anatomy pierced prior to entering. Street cred or no, you'll likely be able to score some inexpensive libations here. If you head over on a Tuesday, you can partake in the karaoke--another dive-bar tradition.

Harbor Way Inn

737 Pratt Street - Baltimore

First things first--Harbor Way is not, in fact, an inn, so don't get plastered and expect to spend the night. (We found that one out the hard way. Learn from our mistakes.) If the rooms were as dirty as the bar, though, we wouldn't want to take our chances, anyway. Cleanliness exists only as an abstraction at Harbor Way--booze, fortunately, is more concrete. Alcohol kills germs, right? Sanitize yourself with a couple of shots and let your liver absorb this dive's classic atmosphere.

Mum's

1132 S. Hanover St. - Baltimore

410-547-7415

There's the flower and the English way of saying "Mom," and then there's this Federal Hill hole-in-the-wall, which has nothing to do with either of those. The plethoric "I <3 Boh" stickers will remind you that you heart it, too. Get it for cheap and then play some Golden Tee. Don't pretend you're too good to spare a few quarters on virtual golf. No one is.

Swallow at the Hollow

5921 York Road - Baltimore

410-532-7542

Like any truly great dive, Swallow at the Hollow's name is fun to lace with obscenities, e.g., "Swallow at the muthaf---in' Hollow, b---h!" It also lends itself to some gloriously un-P.C. oral sex jokes, but that's a different matter entirely. Check your potty-mouth at the door, though, because the Swallow's older clientele might not be so down with your lewd lexicon. Order some cheap brews and eavesdrop on the regulars; they've got some stories to tell that'll put you in your place.

Sharky's Bar and Grill

2819 Eastern Ave. - Baltimore

410-534-1051

You can almost imagine the brainstorming that spawned Sharky's: "Sharks are badass. Beer is badass. What if...what if we served beer in a room full of shark stuff?!!" It's a recipe for success. But Sharky's is only one-part dive; its dining section is actually pretty classy, serving steaks and seafood. So stay away from it.

Zissimos Bar

1023 W. 36th St. - Baltimore

410-467-4707

If you can say the name without slurring it, you haven't spent enough time here. A living memorial to Hampden's blue-collar roots, bars don't come much cheaper than Zissimo's. Expect a local crowd with no pretensions, and be sure to check out the dartboard while you're still sober. (Friends don't let friends drink and throw pointy things at the wall.)